In Rabbi Heshy Kleinman’s book, Praying With Fire, on day 29 of Teves, we learn that each of our Avos had a specific spiritual path through which to bring Hashem’s light into the world. We see that each of the Avos’ paths were different – Avraham Avinu at his core was Chesed, Yitzhak Avinu was Gevurah and Yirah, while Yaakov Avinu was Emes: each served Hashem differently and possessed a unique strength that was used to connect with and serve Hashem. This emphasizes an essential Montessori principle: each child has individual and unique powers, which should be developed as s/he grows to serve and work with in the community.
B”H, I am blessed with a large family, and there are times that I ask them to help for Shabbos. I will ask one of my girls or boys (yes, my boys) or my husband (even HIM!), “can you make a dish for Shabbos?” Now it gets interesting. One of my oldest daughters will pull out cookbook and look up a recipe, then line up all the ingredients to check to make sure we have all of them. She takes out all the measuring tools, reads the recipe (twice!) to make sure she understands all the instructions...and only then starts to cook. I have a boy who will read some cookbooks or get an idea and just start throwing ingredients into a bowl. Then they stop and taste, and adjust and taste, and adjust and cook. My husband - bless him - doesn’t believe in cookbooks; he just works it out in his head and throws something together. Finally, I have a daughter who will say, “OK, mom!” Then she heads out to the store, buys it, and goes to a Thursday night shiur.
What’s really, really interesting is that the food – no matter who made it – is nearly always amazing!!! Each child accomplishes what is asked of her or him in his or her own way, whether that’s the way I would do it or not! And, in all honesty, sometimes I do “freak out” with worry about what will be with the end product…but the bottom line is that it gets done. I am learning to relax and let the process happen. And I’ve learned another thing, too: the process they go through is part and parcel of who they are as individuals, and I have come to see that this is truly a wonderful thing.
We have children, b”H, and we love them all. But - and let’s be truthful - there are some children that we really relate to (we say “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”), but there are others who make us wonder “where did s/he come from?!” They may even rub us the wrong way; we can’t understand them, they seem so opposite.
What do we do?
The great Gaon of Chinuch, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, z”l, in the introduction to his sefer Zeriyah U’Binyan BeChinuch (“Planting & Building in Education”) says a wonderful word. He says that all children are fruits (פרות), and within this group we have apples, oranges, bananas, etc. Those children who are similar to us are like apples, and WE GET THEM!!! The others are like different types of fruit. R` Wolbe goes on to say, that when this occurs there is a danger that, in our desire to guide our children toward the right objectives and goals, we try to take children who are bananas (or nuts…not mere metaphor!) and make them “good apples.” Or perhaps we have oranges and want pears. This desire to have OUR DEFINITION of perfect children is a big problem…and it’s OUR PROBLEM (not the children’s).
Mind you, the kavannah of wanting these children to change comes from a good place, from our loving desire that our children develop, grow and succeed. We want them to be accepted, we want them to be successful. We want to shelter them from pain and frustration. But we are in danger of crushing our fruit!! (Sorry, there’s no gain in making a smoothie here… End of fruit metaphor!)
So what should we do? First, we need to accept that our children are their own neshamos, and what Hashem wants them to be might be something other than what we planned or hoped for. Next, we need to figure out our child’s true nature. “Who they are,” based on their varied personalities and talents, what and how they enjoying learning, what makes an impression on them, what they love and what they do when they love. These are the first steps to being able to help our children: knowing and truly accepting who they genuinely are! Value them, appreciate them, honor them, support them...ENJOY THEM! (viva la difference!!!) See their gifts as well as their challenges; now you can understand why some things that seem so obvious and simple to you are challenges to them…) As an added benefit, maybe you’ll gain some insight into who YOU are…
Finally, supported and empowered with this understanding, we are in a much better position to help our children succeed, and to help our educators and other adults that with our children give them the proper tools to help them thrive. And - if nothing else - when success seems so elusive, our understanding allows us to be more resilient and patient.
But that is not all: the understanding of our children’s and our own individual strengths is not only important towards bettering ourselves, it is essential for us to be a community and a Nation.
In Parashas Vayechi, right before Yaakov passes away, he calls his sons to come gather around him, and then he says in the very next posuk "come together so I can tell you your destiny." Why does he say come together twice?
The answer was that the first time he was saying “come physically to me", but the second time he was saying "unite together with one another so that you can fulfill your destiny."
Yaacov Avinu was telling his children (the Shvatim!), “You are Bnei Yisroel, but you will only become Am YISROEL (Yisroel, being the higher level of Yaacov), capable of fulfilling our greater destiny, when you express your individual, unique natures and work together and love each other for them.” And then Yaacov goes through how each son is different; he knew his sons, and he let them know he knew them, too!
You can't have everyone in the country be a doctor, farmer, lawyer...etc. You need each person to do what he or she does well, each contributing their own talents to make a strong, vibrant and successful community.
When we are who we are truly meant to be, when we are authentic, we can be a part of a greater good for those we care about, and we ourselves will grow stronger on our own separate journeys.
Mrs. Rivkah Isaacs
Netiv Hayeled
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