I don’t know about you, but when I think of Adar I immediately I think of HAPPINESS.
As a parent and as a teacher I know that we ALL spend a lot of time thinking about our children and their happiness and joy. We all share the desire to have happy and joyful children. The only problem is that sometimes we don’t know how to make our children happy and give them a feeling of fulfillment and satisfaction. Not only that, but sometimes that happiness is so short lived! Sooooo frustrating!
As adults we know that there are different types of happiness. One type – external physical gratification – is a fleeting feeling of happiness. There is joy in the moment, but it’s hard to hold on to. (That doesn’t mean we want it any less.) But our minds – our sechel and neshama – understand that happiness needs to come from within, and from a deeper place. This is not black or white, or wrong way/right way. There are many factors that impact and add to finding happiness, and many shades and varieties of joy.
Over the many years I’ve worked with Montessori schools, I’ve noticed people constantly remark on how happy and joyous the children are. I feel this is because the skills that are developed – independence, self-reliance, confidence, and strong work ethics – enable a child to have the types of experiences that support true happiness: the happiness of self-worth and achievement. The happiness that’s based on the of development of self. Maria Montessori defined a happy child as “one who is fulfilling their potential”. When this happens – when children feel accomplishment and a are given a sense that they are fulfilling their potentials – we see those children experiencing a state of pure joy, what she called “spontaneous happiness”. You’ve seen this when a child learns a new skill – knowing a song, climbing a slide, riding a bike – that is meaningful to them. You’ve seen the look on your child’s face when he or she has gained that mastery. That’s the look of deep joy and accomplishment, the feeling of connection with what they accomplished. This happiness comes from a place of deep emotion.
Over Shabbos I had an epiphany. I was thinking about Thursday night when two of my boys came over to my house (we live within the required 1000 kilometers of the segger) and they were enjoying a learning session about Megillah and Purim. Both are wonderful and amazing and emesdik kids, b”H, but they come from different outlooks and hashkafos. As I was thinking about this I felt my heart fill with happiness and joy that they could come together and enjoy learning and being together. There were times when they were growing up that I didn’t think that would ever happen but here it was happening, b”H. And then I had that epiphany: I suddenly understood that the happiness that I was feeling was from a place inside of me that I have been working on and growing in. It was the product of a feeling of accomplishment: B”H, I had raised these children! It was a more mature understanding of what happiness is, and how to gain it and be mindful of it. In that moment it felt like I “grew up” emotionally just a bit more, grabbing and seeing the happiness in front of me. I have been learning to see shades of gray – or in this case the shades of happiness and joy – and to take what I can from them.
Following on the theme of “Adar and Happiness”, I would like to introduce “Ten Ways to Increase Happiness and Joy in Your Home”. Many of these have empirical scientific basis! In our video and zoom we saw and heard concrete ways to implement these strategies with your children. If you want a copy of the video let me know.
Attitude of Gratitude: Everyone has something in their life to be grateful for, and most of us have many, many blessings. From your general health and that of your family to the fact that you have a roof over your head and clothing to wear and food to eat, there are endless things that we should be appreciative of. Let’s make a simple ritual of daily appreciative reflection – even a few minutes is enough – to center in on them and consider them. This allows us to take a few moments to feel personal gratitude for all that we have been given in life.
If you can, invite your family members, even young children, to do the same. The effects on your family will be astounding. They may be skeptical or sarcastic in the beginning, but if it’s given a real shot, you will see changes, positive changes in a a short time.
Words of Praise: Of course you DO praise your children. But I often hear a parent say, “you are such a Tzadik,” or “you are so good” in a very general way. This makes the child feel nice, but we can do better. Let’s commend or praise our children with words that show them exactly what we are seeing and what we appreciate seeing.
This gives a few benefits. You will be better able to feel greater joy by getting nachas from seeing the specific act that your children are doing. And your children will hear specifically what actions your praise is reinforcing. They are more likely to keep doing that action, and you are more likely to see greater nachas. Win-Win!
Mantra : A mantra is a phrase or a series of words that are commonly repeated. By repeating positive phrases and concepts to yourself you will come to believe them and to own them. Yes, you can “brainwash” yourself, both in positive and in negative (chas veShalom!) ways. So throw out the negative phrases and disempowering expressions that limit your joy (and your family’s) and switch to positive, empowering expressions. (STORY: I have a little granddaughter – mammash only 4 years old! – who says, “Oish! Ein li ko’ach!” – I don’t have strength! – when she doesn’t want to do something. It’s sad, funny and pathetic all at the same time, right? But where did she learn it from?) Think of empowering, positive statement and write them down on a piece of paper and tape them to your wall, mirror or fridge; anywhere you’ll see them regularly (especially when you feel “Oish, ein li ko’ach!”) The idea is that you’ll see them, repeat them, and remember them. Here are some examples (but ones that YOU find, that resonate with YOU will work better, of course):
Hashem loves me!
I show up every day, and I get it done!
I embrace change: with change comes opportunity.
I love myself/ my family as they are.
Progress, not perfection
Connections: The power of social connection to boost happiness and well-being is another factor known to increase happiness. Choose people to be with your family whose behaviors are associated with happiness. Remember what we said about “modeling” last week? It’s important that you associate with friends who are positive, and who have a positive attitude to dealing with problems and adversity (everyone has some difficulties in their lives, right?) It’s OK to help others – to be a shoulder that needy people can cry on, to be a listening ear for others – but you can’t do it until you know that it won’t affect YOU in a negative way. You can’t be their rock until you’re your own rock.
Touches & Hugs: The Power of a Hug! Need I say more? I just want to point out, though, that many families don’t have enough of it – the supportive hug, the gentle kiss, the stroke of a head, or holding hands – for the children that need it. Many children, especially non-verbal, emotionally sensitive children, process through non-verbal means. To these kids a hug or kiss is infinitely more reinforcing and valuable than “words of praise.” Pay them in the coin they value!
Beauty of Nature: Hashem made the universe, and He – yisborach – made it varied and appealing. Fact: there is something about being outside that has the power to change how we feel. Nature, and seeing vistas and the wonders of creation, fill us with wonder and positive feelings. We make blessings on thunder, lightning, rainbows and more! Express this sense of wonder and joy so that you feel it and your children pick up on it and feel it, too. (Modeling again!) Remembering that Hashem created such a wonderful world for us will give us a sense of worth, too.
Chessed!: Kindness is contagious. Science has validated that those who are kind to others are happier and more satisfied with their lives! When you’re kind to others, your brain produces feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters like endorphins and serotonin. You feel good about yourself! You’re able to build strong relationships with others, fostering positive feelings all around. And you know…what goes around, comes around. Don’t we all need a little more kindness?
Smile: This is more than a simple suggestion; it’s backed by science. When you smile, you not only trigger smile muscles in others (don’t our Chachamim, z”l, say “Ke’mayim hapanim el hapanim…”), but according to research, you also benefit. Smiling activates neural brain circuits associated with well-being and happiness. It also feels good to smile, especially when you do it regularly; it takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown! {Story AND Parasha Word: Rav Yisroel Salanter – the father of the Mussar Movement – used to tell his students that “The face is a public domain since everyone sees it; don’t put an obstacle – a frowning, angry face – in the public domain!”}
Exercise: The benefits of the physical act of exercising releases endorphins in your brain that elevate mood and make you feel better. Walking in nature (see above) also highlights other aspects of joyful, happy living such as a greater appreciation of natural beauty, thankfulness that you’re alive and healthy enough to be physically active, helping to tone your body and improve cardiovascular, lung and other vital bodily functions.
When you see feel fit you feel happier than if you carry negative attitudes about your well-being. Even if you aren’t so fit, the act of “doing something about it” will give you that sense of achievement and fulfilment that we spoke about.
Maybe here, we should model on our children! You see how happy they are when they’re active; the vitality (that comes from the Latin word for LIFE, just like VITAmins) and energy fill them with happiness. They’re feeling the joy of being alive, even if they aren’t conscious of it. But WE can make a conscious effort to move and feel the joy of moving. Be mindful of the many, many processes that are going on in your body that allow you to move!
Mindfulness: Think about THIS MOMENT: you are alive, your family is, too, b”H. Fretting about the past or worrying about the future are both counterproductive and a waste of time if they bring you down (there’s a place for them, when you are using them to grow or to prepare. But you have to be in a different headspace and take a different, positive, attitude to make that work.)
Instead, to add to your happiness quotient, change your mindset so that you live in the present. Another way of saying this is to be present. When you focus on now, this moment, you are more aware of your surroundings, your breathing, how you feel, what’s going on with your loved ones, family, friends, co-workers, other drivers and everything in your immediate environment. You’re alive and fully aware of it. Being present is a proactive way to increase your happiness and something anyone can do.
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