B”H, I am blessed with a large family, and there are times that I ask them to help for Shabbos. I will ask one of my girls or boys (yes, my boys) or my husband (even HIM!), “can you make a dish for Shabbos?” Now it gets interesting. One of my oldest daughters will pull out cookbook and look up a recipe, then line up all the ingredients to check to make sure we have all of them. She takes out all the measuring tools, reads the recipe (twice!) to make sure she understands all the instructions...and only then starts to cook. I have a boys who will read some cookbooks or get an idea and just start throwing ingredients into a bowl. Then they stop and taste, and adjust and taste, and adjust and cook. My husband - bless him - doesn’t believe in cookbooks; he just works it out in his head (cooking by svara?) and throws something together. Finally, I have a daughter who will say, “OK, mom!” Then she heads out to Seasons, buys it and goes to a Thursday night shiur.
What’s really, really interesting is that the food is nearly always amazing!!! I am blessed with a family of excellent cooks. (Sure, I’m somewhat biased, but guests have backed me up! Also, one of my sons is the sous chef of the Dan Panorama in Jerusalem - gratuitous kvelling here - and he likes our meals, too.) Each child accomplishes what is asked of them in his or her own way, whether that’s the way I would do it or not! And, in all honesty sometimes I do “freak out” with worry about what will be with the end product, but the bottom line is that it gets done; so I am learning to relax and let the process happen. And I’ve learned another thing, too: I have learned that the process they go through is part and parcel of who they are as an individuals and I have come to see that this is truly a wonderful thing.
You probably have an inkling of where we’re going with this. We have children, b”H, and we love them all. But - and let’s be truthful - there are some children that we really relate to (we say “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”, but there are others who we wonder “where did s/he come from?!” They may even rub us the wrong way; we can’t understand them, they seem so opposite.
What do do?
The great Gaon of Chinuch, Rav Shlomo Wolbe, z”l, in the introduction to his sefer Zeriyah U’Binyan BeChinuch (“Planting & Building in Education”) says a wonderful word. He says that all children are fruits (פרות), and within this group we have apples, oranges and bananas. Those children who are similar to us are like apples, and WE GET THEM!!! The others are like different types of fruit. R` Wolbe goes on to say, that when this occurs there is a danger that, in our desire to guide our children toward the right objectives and goals, we try to take children who are bananas (not mere metaphor!) and make them good apples. Or we have oranges and want pears. This desire is a big problem. It’s OUR problem (not the children’s).
Mind you, the kavannah of wanting children to change comes from a good place, from our loving desire that our children develop, grow and succeed. We want them to be accepted. We want them to be successful. We want to shelter them from pain and frustration. But we are in danger of crushing our fruit!! (Sorry, there’s no gain in making a smoothie here…)
So what should we do? First, we need to be open that our children are their own neshamos, and what Hashem wants them to be might be something other than what we planned or hoped for. Next, we need to figure out our child’s true nature. Their varied personalities and talents, how they learn and what makes an impression on them, what they love and what they do when they love. This is the first step to being able to help our children: knowing and really accepting who they are! Value them, appreciate them, honor them, support them...ENJOY THEM! (viva la difference!!!) See their gifts as well as their challenges (and now you can understand why some things that seem so obvious and simple to YOU are challenges to THEM…)
Finally, supported and empowered with this understanding, we are in a much better position to help our children succeed, and to help the other adults that we partner with to help our children succeed, our educators. And - if nothing else - when success seems so elusive, our understanding allows us to be more resilient and patient.
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